Watching A Loved One Stay In An Abusive Relationship
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If you or a loved one is in an abusive relationship, please, please, please seek help through local programs, family, friends, or call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. Their advocates are available 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) in more than 200 languages. All calls are free and confidential.
I am lucky. You could say I’m privileged. Every single relationship I had ever been exposed to or a part of, has been a healthy and loving one. Everyone in my family is either happily married, happily single, has good relationships, or have divorced because of good, non-violent reasons.
That is, until this man showed up into the lives of one of my family members and her young boys. I’d like to nickname him Dick, Ass, or Douche, but let’s call him Bob instead.
Bob is an asshole. Bob is emotionally abusive. Bob is physically abusive. And Bob has gotten away with all of it so far.
Bob has turned this strong, independent, happy woman into a submissive, sad, and scared person…. And it is heartbreaking to watch on the outside. The same has been done to her two young boys.
I Don’t Know How To Approach Or Process These Situations.
From the day the family met Bob, we could already see something was not right. The glint in his eyes, the “charming” way he talked and moved, and his entire personality. Keep in mind, we have been 110% supportive of ANY person she has ever dated and give every single person a chance, and don’t interject with our opinions.
This time was different, we knew we needed to speak up. I think we knew this was going to happen.
She started seeing family and friends less and less…. She started losing an unhealthy amount of weight…. Her children looked more and more sad….. She tried leaving several times….. Her children started getting hurt.
This man….. This “Bob”…. has a way of talking himself out of any situation and schmoozing anyone he chooses. When three separate CPS and DHS cases were opened against him with multiple people calling in each one, he laughed, schmoozed, and joked his way through the interviews and statements. The cases were closed and classified as “over parenting” instead of what is was: Abuse- physical and emotional.
He uses guilt, religion, his own children, and more to keep her from leaving. Says she is betraying God by giving up on them. She is betraying her children for taking another father away from them. And that she will leave his children without a mother. He coerced her into letting him move into her house, giving yet another roadblock if she were to leave him again. He screams at her, tells her she is worthless, can’t do anything right, and causes fights daily…. It is absolutely heartbreaking to see someone you love living this kind of life.
I Had My First Confrontation With Him, And It Was Terrifying
Recently, I had my first confrontation with him. She called me frantically from work, needing someone to pick her children up from him because she was worried he may take anger out on them over something “she did.” This is not new, we have picked them up several times before since we live less than five minutes from each other. But this is the first time he got in my face, screamed, and overpowered me.
And. I . Was. Terrified.
I simply let him know I am here to pick the kids up because I heard he couldn’t watch them for some reason, and he goes off the deep end at 100 mile an hour. Suddenly I am being screamed at over what a terrible person their mother is, what a terrible person I am, I have no good examples of relationships in my life, that my parent’s marriage is failing, my marriage is going to fail, and that I’m a horrible mother.
He tells me that our loved one hates me, her sister, and her mother. He tells me and her children to their faces that they get too much attention and have too many “f***ing issues”. He continues to drag every single person in our family through the mud, all stemming from me saying one sentence. And suddenly, I get it.
It was terrifying, exhausting, and complete sensory overload…. Nothing I could file a police report on of course, he is too smart to let his emotions get the best of him and cause a slip up like that. This is what she tells us it is like everyday. Her kids are numb to it. She is numb to it. But when I confronted her about it this time, BEGGING her to get help and get out, she tells me she doesn’t see this side of him…. She has written it all down, she has told us, she has filed reports…. Why can’t she remember?!
Because she has been completely brainwashed, suppresses the memories, and is in defense mode…. And that is not her fault. But I don’t know how to not be angry with her.
She CHOSE to ignore our hesitations about him. She CHOSE to go back a dozen times. She CHOSE to stand by him as her children are hurt. Right?
No.
HE is the only one to blame in this…..
Supporting her and her children through this is one of the hardest things we have done, but we are determined not to lose her completely. We have helped her escape time and time again. Friends have created evacuation plans. Coworkers have helped her pack her things. Loved ones have stood guard outside her house….
So when she is ready to leave again, we aren’t holding our breath that it will be the last time. But we will always be there to support her. We will continue having the hard conversations. We will continue documenting. We will continue encouraging getting help.
