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Quick Success, and Quicker Heartbreak: Another Miscarriage

It’s no secret that my husband and I started trying for another baby fairly quickly after our pregnancy loss in October. As soon as I had my first period after the miscarriage, we started tracking and trying again.

I will admit, it was hard to make that choice. Are we ready? And I emotionally healed? Anything we want to change before we try again? But trying and looking toward the future became another way of healing for us- especially myself.

Just a few short weeks later, I started feeling all of the familiar symptoms. Headaches, back acne, faint cramps. I knew in my gut we were expecting again!

So obviously, I turned back into the pregnancy test addict I have always been when we are trying or feeling lucky. I’m talking testing three times a day WAY sooner than I should be testing. Dammit, I’m going to find out if we succeeded the exact minute I start producing enough HCG for a positive! 😂

Well, that positive came much quicker than we expected. And the next test, and the next, and the next. Four faint positive tests later, I finally accepted the fact that we were having another baby! But to my surprise, fear and anxiety overshadowed the excitement and joy we felt.

We knew the next pregnancy would be rough emotionally. After all, we had just lost our last baby at 12 weeks pregnant two short months before. 12 weeks of prepping, planning, and getting excited, all to end in heartbreak. It’s normal to be reserved after an experience like that, right?

But before we could get excited, our quick success turned to even quicker heartbreak.

As I am taking another test to be sure the line was darkening, there is blood- and a lot of it.

All of the previous miscarriage memories come running back, and I am frozen. I had known about these two faint lines for 48 short hours, and I am already crushed….

Trying to calm my fears, I get on the phone with my doctor and I go in for a blood test. HCG results come back high! I went in a few days later to make sure they are rising properly, and sure enough they are doubling beautifully.

My nervousness is slightly eased, but I tried my hardest not to have any kind of feelings.

And then there was blood again. And HCG numbers continued to rise perfectly. For three weeks I ride this emotional roller coaster not knowing what to believe. In my gut, I feel something is wrong, but you can’t help but start to plan your life when every doctor is telling you everything is fine.

I finally asked for an ultrasound at a little over 6.5 weeks to ease my fears. I tell myself that if I can see our baby’s heartbeat, I’ll stop the worry and stress, and try to enjoy the pregnancy.

With the bleeding stopped, and numbers excellent, I let myself get excited for our ultrasound. I put on a face of makeup, put together my letter board, and took the photos I never took with my previous pregnancies- eager to savor every moment this time.

But, moments into the ultrasound we are faced with reality….. there is no baby.

I expected to see a baby. I even thought there was a possibility of twins with my extreme pregnancy symptoms. I was even prepared to see a baby with no heartbeat. But I was not expecting to see an empty womb.

What does this mean? To have a miscarriage at 12 weeks, and for the next pregnancy to be an miscarriage despite all signs and numbers has turned pretty scary, pretty fast.

While my doctor is not super worried yet, she is pretty puzzled by two miscarriages following a healthy pregnancy, especially given my age and health. We currently have several noninvasive fertility testing plans in place to see if there is somehow a simple explanation or imbalance.

Whether these have been two incredibly unfortunate and isolated events, or a rocky journey we never thought we’d be on- we will make it through this journey with our family and friends.