My Pregnancy After Recurrent Miscarriage
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Guys- this pregnancy is absolute night and day from the pregnancy I had with my son. Aaaaand…… Maybe not in the best ways. 😂 For starters, this is my first successful pregnancy after recurrent miscarriage, and that has weighed pretty heavily on me especially during the first 20 weeks. This is one of the main reasons I haven’t really been sharing or documenting my journey- I’ve kinda felt like I have been in a daze since we found out. An anxious, messy daze. But here I am! Finally sharing my pregnancy after two miscarriages while eating a bucket of grapefruit, and feeling my little guy kick like crazy.
A little bit of back story before our successful pregnancy! With my second pregnancy and my first miscarriage, we had perfect appointments, beautiful ultrasounds, and everything was going well until we reached 12 weeks (the “safe” spot) and found out I was having a missed miscarriage. With the second loss, we found out a little sooner at an early 7 week scan when we discovered there was just no baby any longer.
Each loss hit a little differently- the first, we knew what we were losing. We shared ultrasound photos with our family and close friends, saw a heartbeat, and even announced on social media. So obviously, it was a little more heart wrenching to “take it all back” and accept that our baby was gone.
With our second loss, I was already an anxious and emotional mess! We started trying pretty quickly after our first miscarriage, and found ourselves with a positive test even quicker. Theeeeennn….. came the bleeding…. and even stronger tests. Confusing much? um, yeah. For 4 weeks I went in for regular blood draws to test my HCG levels, and each time they doubled or tripled beautifully, and I heard the comforting words “everything looks perfect!”, “your baby is doing just fine!”, “these numbers are great!”. Being hyped up for weeks helped outweigh the doubt, but we were again shattered during the ultrasound.
Fast forward through a few months of fertility testing, different doctors, and emotions- we were ready to try again! After all, the odds were still in our favor: multiple miscarriages after healthy pregnancy are rare. It took a few cycles for this little guy to come along, but when I saw that faintest of faint pink lines, I felt like I was punched in the gut. Why?
We had stopped trying, and now I was pregnant.
You may be wondering why we were taking a break. Well, let me introduce you to corona-freaking-virus. I found out I was pregnant about a week after Covid-19 hit the United States, and we had no idea how this was going to affect us. Nobody knew the facts, everyone was freaking out, and people said pregnant women were more at risk. F*ck me.
While scouring every bit of information I could find about Covid-19 on the internet at 2am, I only ended up putting my stomach in more knots. This along with it being a pregnancy after two miscarriages was just all too much. The anxiety and fear was at an all time high. But at least I will have my husband by my side the entire way, right? Nope, wrong.
The only thing that helped my get through the ultrasound with our second loss was my husband holding my hand, and being there for my to sob on immediately after. Now he is not even allowed on hospital grounds.
Finding the courage to drive to my first ultrasound was like looking for Bigfoot- nowhere to be found. I was an absolute mess about to crumble at any second. I had managed to convince myself that this would not be a healthy pregnancy, and that I would be faced with discovering a loss without him. As the ultrasound started, I couldn’t even look at the screen until I heard the words, “Look at your little baby!”
I sobbed.
I sobbed with relief. I sobbed with sadness that my husband couldn’t be there. I sobbed knowing we have had a perfect ultrasound before that ended with heartbreak….
Suddenly everything I was putting on this ultrasound went away- I had told myself if I saw a healthy baby & heartbeat, I would stop the worry, I wouldn’t be examining every symptom, and I would just sit back and enjoy the ride, but I lied to myself.
Now, I will only stop the worry when we get to the next ultrasound. When we get to hear the heartbeat. When we get tests back. When I feel him move. When I pass 20 weeks…. the list could go on, and on. I can find an excuse and a reason to be sick to my stomach no matter what stage of my pregnancy I am in, and I don’t really think it will fade until he is safe in my arms.
What I feel is what my doctor described as “Loss of innocence.” The realization that life is fragile, and can be taken away at any point. It is something that not only affected my pregnancy, but even feelings about my two year old son. I would find myself getting caught up in horrible scenarios where I lose him tragically. My mind would play cruel tricks while I’m rocking him to sleep saying, “what if this is the last time you get to do this?” So there I will stay for hours, rocking him with tears coming down my face….
Pregnancy after recurrent miscarriage can be cruel.
It can create anxiety, fear, and have long lasting effects that never seem to end. But it does get a little easier with each day, week, month, trimester, and milestone.
If you are finding yourself struggling with recurrent miscarriage & successful pregnancy– especially during the times of Covid-19, please be honest with your doctor/midwife, a therapist, and family or close friends. It is a struggle that many people will not relate to, but many can help you with.
