I Told God I Couldn’t Handle Losing A Child… In Return, He Took Two Of My Babies.

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Writer’s note: this was written during some of my darkest times and published at a later date. If you are not religious or find this content uncomfortable, please skip. These entries are meant to help others through their own experiences since most miscarriage topics are viewed as “taboo” and only focus on optimistic outlooks with sunshine and rainbows.

God took two of my babies

I refuse to listen to words of “it was meant to be” or “everything happens for a reason” or “at least you know you can get pregnant, you’ll have a new baby someday.”

They were supposed to be mine to hold, adore, and love…. and he took them. I cannot see the reason as to why “they were needed up there.” And no, they cannot be replaced with a “new” baby soon as someone commented to me this week.

The anxiety I feel about even trying for another child is too much for words. My husband even mentioned that we just consider not trying again because he can’t watch me go through this again. Someone else gave the helpful advice to “not get my hopes up so quickly next time” in case things go badly.

The moment I saw blood with my third pregnancy, I knew it was going to end in disaster. The punch in my gut instantly made me crumble into tears and waves of nausea. I know bleeding is super normal in the first trimester, but sometimes you just know…

I had just gotten HCG counts back that morning, letting me know my numbers were STILL doubling properly, and everything looked “beautiful” and “perfect.” After heavy implantation bleeding, we were hesitant to let ourselves get excited in case it was a chemical pregnancy.

Since all numbers were great for weeks, we finally breathed a sigh of relief and shared the news with close family.

Then, of course that night, the familiar cramping and spotting began.

I laid with my feet up, and tried my best to relax and not move, but you can’t prevent what has already started happening. I know it was nothing that I did wrong, but you can’t make sense of this without something to blame.

I feel like I’ll never be able to forgive God for what he took…. I hope he can at a minimum give my tiny family an easier year ahead.